divorce mediation


Divorce Mediator: Getting a Divorce?

divorce mediationDivorce mediation and getting a divorce mediator is one of the best ways to reduce the conflict and the emotional stress caused by getting a divorce. No matter what stage you are in life divorce is not an easy thing to deal with.

Although there are some who are quick to pick up the help of lawyers this is not necessarily the best thing to do most especially if you are still hurting and you are still in an emotional turmoil. Rejection and the loss of a partner is not something easy to deal with, you might think one day that you are already over the pain and have decided to change your life in a more positive light but there will be days when the pain would resurface and you would have to deal with the reality and the unresolved issues.

End the Past and Look to the Future

However one has to realize that in order to be able to make progress, one has to accept the need to end the past and to look into the future.

A divorce mediator would be more knowledgeable regarding the divorce process; you can end up saving more money rather than using a collaborative divorce or by going to court. The divorce mediation process is more careful and thorough; it aims to help couples negotiate directly to resolve any remaining issues in order for you to be able to peacefully end your marriage. The usual divorce mediation is a much shorter process and would end better, compared to steps that make use of court proceedings.

The divorce coaching has enabled so many couples to reach an understanding regarding their finances. Instead of dealing with too much paper work and sudden surprises, get the help of expert divorce mediators instead.

Provide Privacy

The divorce mediation will provide you much needed privacy and would enlighten you on how to best tackle your parenting plans, equitable distribution and spousal and child support if any is required.

End the power struggle with your former partner and find a mature way to settle, the resolutions are easier to achieve if you are open to the mediation process. The sooner you seek the help of mediators the faster you can find your way to your healing process.

Divorce Mediators Keep You Organized

But, you do have to be professional and level headed regarding the divorce in order to be able to finish the tasks that are required of you. The Divorce mediators would help you keep your act organized; they can help you understand the steps that you need to know in order to reduce the chances of getting ripped off by an emotionally angry partner.
By getting a mediator you realize that the time for arguing is over and that you need to get your life back. A mediator can help you to have a logical talk with your previous partner and find a way to an agreement that would be beneficial for the both of you.

Time to set aside the issues that you have in the past, let the divorce mediator help you throughout the toughest times of the negotiation process.

Please feel free to contact us at www.TexasMediationGroup.com. We have much experience and can give you the help you need at this difficult time in your life.


Divorce Process: Intimidation and Balance of Power

divorce processDuring the divorce process, as a divorce mediator I have noticed certain patterns manifest frequently. One of the patterns is when the husband attempts to intimidate the wife as they exit their former marriage relationship.

Common Background
In many couples the husband has been the primary provider or “breadwinner”.  As a result. it is not unusual for him to develop the opinion that he made the money and therefore it really belongs to him. He then sees himself as “giving his money” to his wife rather than dividing the moneys that rightfully belong to the both of them. He knows that the law does not see it this way but that is the way he feels anyway.
If in addition, he has handled the finances or been the senior partner in terms of leadership and decision making, this adds to his feelings of ownership. He may know more about their finances and almost always thinks he knows more.

Punishment

If the wife is initiating the divorce or even if the husband is initiating the divorce and has convinced himself that her faults and mistakes justify him in filing, which is almost always the case, the husband may try to punish the wife. He may not even recognize that he is doing so, and it may be very subtle, but she will notice the difference.

One of the common traits of men relates to power. It has only been 200 years since men settled disputes by dueling, and fist fights are still a common event in some male circles. Manipulation of money by husbands is not unusual in divorce.

The Unwritten Marriage Contract

In every marriage there are a number of expectations and unspoken agreements, like who takes out the trash, who mows the yard, who disciplines the children, and who handles the finances. If one of the spouses changes the expectations that have quietly become a contract, the other spouse will become uneasy and squirm not knowing necessarily why they are uncomfortable.

Now, say the wife no longer goes along with the suggestions, ideas, and proposals of the husband. Let’s say for example, that she insists on hiring her own attorney over the objection of the husband. And she disagrees with him over whether and when to sell the house. And she insists on receiving half of his retirement. And she wants primary custody of the children. And she wants the majority of their coveted furniture and memory photographs.

She is rocking his boat and he is not going to like it. The balance of power is shifting and the husband gets real nervous.

Husband Uses Costs to Sucker Wife into Mistakes

One of the mistakes that wives sometimes make during the divorce process is the result of the husband’s constant verbal pressure. The husband says that the cost of lawyers, business evaluation specialists, real estate appraisers, mediation coaches, etc. is way too high and will only take away from what the couple will split.

And besides he already knows how much everything is worth. Trust me is the essence of his rhetoric. She may have been trusting him for 20-30 years and it is difficult for her to change.

In one of my recent divorce mediation cases, the husband told his wife that the husband’s million dollar business was not worth anything without him and therefore should be evaluated at zero. She agreed to that in order to save the $2000 cost of acquiring a business evaluation.

She saved her half of the fee and gave up an asset worth a great deal.

Choosing Your Battleground

If the husband is initiating the divorce process with a new love in the background, which is often the case, he is probably in a hurry to get the divorce finalized. His lover is likely to be pressuring him to get free. So he will be pushing by conversation, e-mail, through his attorney, and any other means he can find.

In these circumstances, where telephone conversations may be unproductive and quarrelsome, we usually recommend that the couple communicate by e-mail. This gives written evidence that reduces the convenient  memory as to what was said and agreed to and reduces the bullying and intimidation which might otherwise take place.

The Role of the Divorce Mediator/ Coach

As a divorce mediator my role in this divorce process includes leveling the playing field. Using mediation in divorce balances the power and minimizes or eliminates bullying and intimidation.

As part of the  mediation divorce process we insure that both spouses have accurate information available to allow them to make intelligent decisions. We do not make decisions for them.

Most of the problems involved in divorcing are human issues, not legal issues. We coach the spouses into a fair divorce settlement agreement that both can live with.

So far our mediation services, Texas Mediation Group, has never failed to reach a full divorce settlement agreement.


The 9 Questions You Must Examine In Divorce Mediation

Do facts make a difference? Maybe not. |

Divorce mediation is a very viable alternative for getting a divorce.

There are some areas of discussion that are very common during the process of reaching a divorce settlement agreement.

1. Custody.
Care of the children is your most important concern. If custody is shared, what are the terms? If it is not, what is the visitation schedule for the non-custodial parent? Don’t forget holidays and summer vacations.

2. Housing.
Who will retain the family home? Will the martial home be sold and equity split equally? Or will one party keep the house and buy the other out? (In my own divorce I kept the family home. I waived alimony payments in exchange for equity in my home. Alimony is taxable but the equity in your home is not, so keep this option in mind)

3. Alimony and child support.
How much will go to whom?

4. Tuition.
Who will pay for school tuition? Will he pay for private or public universities? Might issues regarding paying for tuition become an issue later? Don’t rely on oral promises, ”Of course I will pay for college!” is often said at mediation but not committed to writing. Unfortunately, in most jurisdictions, once a child is 18, there is nothing the Court can do to force a parent to pay for college.

5. Division of stocks, bonds and other investments.
What is the proper division/liquidation of stocks, bonds, bank accounts, and other holdings and investments? What about the 401K plans, retirement funds, and life insurance? How will this be divided? A minimum amount of life insurance should be a provision of every divorce settlement, without exception.

6. Marital debt.
Who borrowed what? Who charged what?

7. Determination of incomes.
Who made more money? Who contributed what, and what are the values of those contributions?

8. Wills.
Will you have wills drawn naming the children as the beneficiaries?

9. Health insurance.
How will health insurance be addressed?

If you are going into mediation, remember that every aspect of your financial life with your spouse has to be closely scrutinized. These will be weighed in terms of your lifestyle and your standards of living, both together and apart. You will need to itemize all household expenses, household contents, properties, bank accounts, retirement plans, vehicles, furniture, and other items of value. Make sure you take into account all childcare costs, including daycare, religious education, sports, and other after-school activities and lessons. Consider the cost of birthday parties attended, lunch money, school dues, clothing, and camp. If your children are young, adjust for expenses as they grow, and include those projections in your plan.

It’s best for you and your spouse to gather all of this information beforehand; doing this together can be useful. If you find yourselves disagreeing on something, set it aside. Agree to bring up all disputes only when you are with the mediator. If you can do this, then mediation might be the route for you. If you have problems with your spouse while gathering information, it may be a sign of bad times ahead.